A suffering phase to understand jaiseng more..

It have been days.
I'm having parts of slow beat in my life.
Days are not the days to me, but months.
I'm dreaming, drowning.
I have become a coward, looks for cover all the time.
I am afraid of the pretty sun,
i am a coward in front the others..
Oh my...
I can't get lost...
I know God is the guidance, the light of the path,
but i think i have lose the courage n passion to walk out the next step.
I'm losing of the bonding around.
Home, my nest to rest n escaping.
The family is the relationship i can hold other than God..
there is no more motivation can drive me out from home..
what the...
I have feed a COWARD inside of me all the time..
I m afraid of opening the "door",
i m afraid of wat i gonna to face,
I am now to ask, Who am i...
Who am i...
can i be positive 1?
or am i a negative 1?
Sigh..
Courage is the applying of faith,
i have no faith in the other relationship now..
I doesn't believe in my love..
i m suspecting my love..
well, i m getting stuff complicate, i knew it..
i m conflicting inside my heart all the time,
just to prevent the negative me ruling me..
Courage cant be gained by advice or scolding,
Courage is something more holy..
Courage involving the faith..
A faith can only appear in pure n lovely mind..
A faith is something more like miracle..
A faith involving the ruling of the heart..
I m having wounds in heart..
Most of the wounds are getting worse cause of me..
Love is absent..
Love is need now...
God, forgive me to being stubborn..
God, please let me experience Your love..
God, i m afraid of people..
GOD, please guide me and lead me..
I need faith!
I need courage!
I need to love myself!
=(...
I m suffering..
Cant cry out, tears are absent, but those wounds are burdening me and press on me heavily!
I can hardly express it,
i wanna shout, but..
who can open the "door" for me,
bring me to the seashore full of sunshine...
who can touch my heart,
stop me from locking myself anymore...
God, i love you..
i hope i reli can kno how to love you..
My family, i love you all,
i hope i reli kno how to love you all..
jaiseng, i love you too,
i hope..
there is love...