平凡的码头

那，
是个不起眼的码头，
远看似乎很壮观，
近看却平凡的可以。

因为地理位置不理想，
天气常年变幻莫测，
码头上也没娱乐可享，
许多渔人及船只都不愿在这停留。

多年来，
曾有船只路过参观，
也有船只逗留片刻，
但最终没有一个永久逗留着。
也没有`一个，开心地离去。

这码头，
除了平凡，有时也很令人伤感。。。
就连路过的人，呼吸了那里的空气都会避而远之。。。

如果我是那码头，
我会害怕开放自己，
因为没人会把船停留在这里；

如果我是那码头，
我会在心里对着广阔的海沉寂的呐喊，
因为没人听得到；

如果我是那码头，
我会希望有船只逗留，欣赏及把我放在 Wanted List，
因为孤单了很久`。。。

可日子久了才知道，
码头，
要学会自己坚强，
封闭了，
别期待别人来开，
拿住那把钥匙的，
始终是自己。
没有渔人的陪伴，
日子终要过。

只是感伤，
码头仍然是当年的码头，
尽管人与事有些不同，
但5年前的矛盾，
现在也有。

船只，
有权利不逗留，
码头，
不该绑死船只，
命运，
总和我们开玩笑。

Picture of Tanjung Lobang, Miri

房里的秘密

砰砰砰！
砰砰砰砰！
“双，你又怎么了？”

“没事，我要睡觉了”
“你开门啊。”

过了好一阵子，门里仍然没有回应。
 妈妈也无奈的放弃了。

这已不是第一次了，双总会时不时就将自己反锁在房间里。
即使是在饭局中，谈话中，双总不会因场地时间而有所限制这样的举止。
开始时，只是晚上时间，到后来，早上，中午，下午，都会有这样的举动。
他的举动很随机，突然。
没有人知道时机，原因，
也没人知道，
双躲在房间里做什么。
除了担心，大家也无可奈何。

这一天，双又将自己反锁了。
一个人躲在暗黑的房间，
一个人发着呆，
也没做什么特别的事。
是挺无聊，
可是就好像上瘾般，
双也无法控制，
总会犯上这个习惯。
就是这样耗时间，直到向疲惫的身体屈服，他才甘心睡了。。。

究竟，
一个人为何会向往那暗黑的空间呢？
也许，
是期待在那个地方，盼到某个到来吧。
就好比，
夜空中陪伴的繁星，
冬天的一个火柴，
雨天的一个伞，
人群中的一只手。。。

可为何，
要将自己抽离人群呢/？
还真不知道。
或许在那小小的房间，
他可以拥抱安全感吧。。。

就这样，
日复一日，
原本陌生又孤单的空间，
如今，
已成了熟悉的陪伴。。。


*本故事纯属虚构，如有雷同，实属巧合。。。

Internship at Mother School

It is great to go school.
Other than learning, we make friends and memories.

It is even greater to back to mother school,
Other than home, we spent most of our childhood here.

However, this is my first time back to SJKC Chung Hua Miri ever since I graduated in 2003. What a shame. If it wasn't of the internship, I think I won't step into this familiar compound.

My internship have been started for 2 weeks until now.
I would like to use "waterfall" to describe my first 2 weeks of internship. Let me tell you why.

1. My schedule was so pack of things to do.
Funny, The fact is I only teach 2 hours per week. Nah, teachers don't teach only. In fact, if teachers only have to teach, it would be a relief for us. I got to do 3 projects within first 4 weeks of internship. Besides, Mei Gong (SJKC CHUNG HUA MIRI) is celebrating 70th anniversary on 17/10/2015. I also got involved in both performance and leading a student performance.


2. I learned so much things
During a conversation with one of the teacher who i have interaction with more often, she mentioned this.
"If you want to live a simple, easy, stress less life, it is ok to go to smaller school, but u might feel empty, in fact, if you work in a school of larger population like mei gong (1300+ students), you feel exhausted almost everyday, but you learn alot of things, you achieved the satisfaction which a easy life cant offer you."

I did learned alot of things within these 2 weeks. Not to mention things like time management, stress management, I learned to face the emergency or sudden situation. A teacher is suppose to solves problems, not telling or explaining them. Well, I did mistakes in doing the later one. But glad that i learned the outcomes afterwards.

I also learned to be more aware of the students's need. Kids now are so rebellious and bad in expressing their needs and thoughts. Once we have prejudice, live in comfort zone or getting busy, we ought to careless in taking care of students' need. Example, one of my students complain about his pain on his leg for few days already, yet i just expressing my "care" through words until a dance teacher checked his leg and reported to me. It is also her suggest me to call his father immediately and not just saying that  i will bring this issue to his father when i see him.

I also learned alot from a dance teacher who is helping me to teach my students who take part in the school anniversary. I like to learn from people around me. I like to observe people and see how they react to things happen around them. That dance teacher got charisma and handle situation wisely and accurately. Her persistence and commitment also inspiring me because she always gives her best and never complain despite tire and packed schedule.

So, I did gained alot within this 2 weeks, but it is also exhausting. One of the reason is I'm giving my best. Different than practical before, which I worked for marks only and which I dont care much. Internship at mother school, it is different thing, I feel like want to give my best. Some of the teachers in school also inspired me. Somemore I hope that I can perform well in school to let my ex teachers feel proud of me.

My schedule would getting more pack, and i actually failed on some of my targets, like exercise regularly, limteh more with friends to keep closer, do house chores to lessen my mother' burden and accompany her more. It is challenging for me, yet i feel like so "responsible" and "independent" whenever i put effort to make these happen.

OK, this is the end. Nxt time. God bless all.

Waiting...

Waiting.

What exactly is waiting?

A process? 

How long can it be?

An expectation? 

Which shall i expect, the good or bad outcome?

Unknown result? 

Then what's the worth of waiting?

What exactly is "waiting" mean for you?

An active process? Or a passive one?

What do you do while waiting?

Standing?

Resting?

Sleeping?

Recently, 

I realized I have been passive while waiting.

Example.

The second coming of the Lord have been prophesied in the bible.

Yet, 

I am unaware of it most of the time in my daily life.

Worse, I put aside of the alertness and flow with this hectic world.

Waiting, 

is still on going.

As life goes on, 

a lot of "waiting" is awaiting of us.

Inevitably, 

we could need a life long to learn about waiting.

But, lets just be active and alert while waiting.

Prayer, is one of the active role we could play...

For the FIRST time, my eyes don't get dry in flight... t

Is it more people cry at airport today? Or just I never pay attention to them?

One thing for sure, people were crying for me today...

How can a farewell be done well?
It is harder for those who are shy, who just don't do the straight-forward style.
Am i considered one? hmm..

Time slipped, it is finally the time to enter the departure hall, which may become the last...
No one have prepared for it.
Being helpless, some short of words, some burst in tears, some even lost their soul...

Einstein said, To be or not to be, that's the question.
I say, To say see you again or not, that's the question.
Will we meet again?
Let's be positive, yes.
Prayer is free, I will just pray for it first.

Both of my flight delayed.
KB-KL and KL-Miri.
My flight to Miri is about 7pm.
Ok, flight in night time can be romantic, nah I don't need one now.
hm, flight in night time can be peaceful, hmm yea quite true.

The fact is, it is so not true...
My emotion was waving.
The nearer is me to Miri, the thought of missing something grow stronger.
The memories boiled inside me.
The feelings squeeze me.
I felt the tears, it flow out from a tank which is fully filled.
For the FIRST time, my eyes don't get dry in flight...

For half a decade studying "oversea", I was having a few conflict in my life.
One of it is,
What to do when I have more than one circle of friends which matter a lot to me?
One is my chinese friends, One is my church friends.

Weekend is precious for everyone.
Holiday is precious for everyone too.
Free time is even more precious.
Students like to do activities or have gathering in these time.
Yet, when these time come, I would having a hard time to choose who to spend my time with.
It is not like one is matter than the another.
But when I choose over one of it, the another one missed me...
I am kinda noob in multi-tasking over friends.
eg, When I mixed into A, I hardly can care B, so do the C, D and E.

Nevertheless, I just realized something today.
To FSOG church members and Care Group Besut members, I want to say that, you all are my family.
Despite the bad, bitter or sour past, i realized that
you all are my beloved family.
You all are my home.
We had spent time together for almost 5 years and there were so many things happened in between, things that scattered us and bonded us.
We have witnessed each other grew in His plan, we have made effort for each other and we have been there for each other.
Thanks for accepting this one Chinese guy here with God's love and care him as he always hope for it.

To my CG members,
I love you all, although I am noob in loving people.
I thought that we could be closer friend, but the truth is we actually are a family already.
Yet, sorry for being cool most of the time.
I "hold back" a alot of my true self.

To my other circle of friends during my uni life,
thanks for accepting me and befriend me despite my hard-to-understand characteristic.
I am shy, I am sensitive, I am noob.
Honestly, there were lot of time I' were hurt and disappointed when we were together. I thought that these friends were so not thoughtful, not considerate and not into me. Still, you guys are matter to me.
I regret a lot for holding back myself, regret that i didn't being friend enough.
But I was so afraid to open up myself...
Although we could not spent enough time for each other and understand each other well, you guys still having a seat in my heart.

I can't write further.
I am sleepy and my mind is kinda messy, since things keep popping out, especially memory and emotion.
I would stop here.
Be strong jai seng.
Be strong my peeps.
Good night...

再见了，我的大学生涯（5年又3个月）

滴答滴答，
时间不留人，
身在考场，
分秒必争，
手里握着的笔肆意在试卷上绘画，
停不下来，
眼角却时不时游向窗外，
凝望，发呆，
瞧那走廊，瞧那课室。。


滴答滴答，
时间不骗人，
考完了最后一张试卷，
今天也将为我的大学生涯画下句点，
今天，
就是今天。
离别的日子，
难以接受，
却真实的可以。。

滴答滴答，
时间催人，
列车即将出发，
可否，让我陪你到下一个站口，
就多一分钟，
让我好好珍重？
催了岁月，
催了眼泪，
但愿也催了我们的重逢。。。

回首已是五年身

倒数半年，就即将毕业了。转眼就是五年，眼屎还没来得及清掉，就已在这时间点。

看一看四周，当初的热血，抱负，都零散在地上。有些都不见踪影了。是醉酒后打翻的吗？是什么时候开始学会买醉呢？

我，醉了多少夜晚？


还记得刚踏入师范学院，尽管前路未卜，总会对未来有所期待，总在想办法做些什么来打造美好的未来。
尽管别人指指点点，说三道四，依然坚持己见，凡事以升华且装备自己为首。有空闲时间就埋头看书，少掺人空谈。

那时只顾着自己的人生方向，自身的价值观又过高，却不会拿捏，多少显得有些孤僻。
表达方式很婉转，难以了解，也不是很会和人打成一片，天真的以为周边的人都像中学时期的朋友那样能接受我，给与谅解和包容。
可问题是，我忽略了，也不擅于经营和身边的人的关系。

就这样，一个人天真地，盲目地，向前冲。。。。。。
久而久之，
得不到肯定，身心也疲惫，
水满则倾。。。。。。

渐渐的，
放纵自己，不再坚持对的东西。

懒散，堕落。
对于过往的坚持气馁及失望，
学习不良的习惯。
促成今天的果实。

不知何月何日，
能远离这样的日子。
只希望一次又一次的反省，不像酒后的尿，一炮而去。

First Post in 2015

Here goes him, walking down the basement, to visit his store. It took him more than 2 hours to get in there this time. After leaving it for so long, the lock had gotten rusty and dusty. But he is a stubborn man, who don’t just give up yet. After some struggle, he manage to open the door. There it is, a smell of abandoned basement.

He sit in front of the cracked tv as usual. Looking at it as if something is playing. He could spend a night just sitting there and starring like that. After a while, he reach to the diary on the desk. He used to write diary. What an old fashioned man.

With the help of the dim light, he start writing :

_________________________________________________________________________________

17 Mac 2015, MondaY

-Feeling contented. -

I am refreshed by God through a sermon of Joseph Prince entitled “Grace Leads to True Repentance”. There was too much of message I received but I can’t share each of them here. Wish I was given the ability to do so.

By today, I’ve realized that my self-righteous which had hinder me from a true repentance all this while. I’ve realized the true meaning of repentance, which I have been misunderstand and kept condemning myself. I’ve realized, there’s nothing I can do to cleanse myself or live in holiness, except let God’s grace to fall on me. . .

So today, I want to receive this TRUE repentance. I want to have my breath, while aware that His grace is so awesome and overflowing. I prayed that my soul be renewed.

 I hereby also want to invite more person to receive this gift.

“You don’t have to worry when you found yourself filthy and unworthy, for God has knew it and He still love you, accept you and forgive you”

Reff : Grace Leads to True Repentance
__________________________________________________________________________________

He don't seem to write much this time. Maybe because it is late night already, he looks tire after finish the writing. Putting back the diary on the desk, he then move to the sofa and sleep over there. He don't snore, but he sleep soundly..